Selfish Tears
by Queenie's Broken Heart
Summary: Let's face it; it was a bad day for everybody. Bad for Harry, because he found out Cedric had beaten him to Cho. Bad for Ron, because he humiliated himself in front of Fleur. But for Ginny Weasley, this truly was the worst day ever. Ginny's POV.


**Disclaimer:** Not mine, J.K. Rowling's. Cruel world …

**A/N:** First ever fic, so _please_ review. 

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The dull red tone of the walls flickered in the light of the fire. Apart from the two of them, the room was empty when he approached her. She was lazily sitting curled up in a big armchair, Transfiguration homework on her lap, untouched while she doodled absentmindedly on a scrap of parchment.

Ginny was thinking, predictably, she regretted, about the upcoming ball; it was in fact all anyone had been talking about for weeks, obsessing over clothes and of course, who was going with who. If she was honest; so was she, at least for the latter half of that statement.

All her fellow third-year girls had been thinking about was would they be able to go; who they'd get to ask them or alternatively how they'd sneak in. Ginny felt she had bigger problems than that. Harry was going to go, he _had_ to go and worst of all he was going to go with some girl. The only way Ginny would be happy about this was if that girl was her, and she had realised a long time ago that was never going to happen.

Admittedly, she knew Harry was as unhappy about the situation as she was, but her biggest worry was he would ask someone he actually fancied and they would fall in love with him, leaving her completely hopeless. She knew, from the little she knew of romantic relationships, that if the person you love is happy, you should be happy for them too. But Ginny's mind tormented her with an image of Harry blissfully happy, smiling at the sweet face of Cho Chang beside him. She was fairly certain that Harry liked her. She dreamt this image sometimes and it left her feeling shaky when she woke up, which she hated. She shouldn't let herself be bothered so much by a mere boy. If she went back even five years she would have kicked and spat and scorned at herself for liking a boy, and this bothered her a lot, because she generally respected her own morals and mottos.

The image bothered her also because she wasn't even imagining him kissing Cho, or even touching her at all. Just the expression on his face. An image so perfectly euphoric, so ridiculously elated, and all without her. If Ginny didn't exist, if she had never been born, what difference would it make to his life? _He just wouldn't have had to overcome friggin' You-Know Who to save my life_, she thought bitterly. _I'm just one big piece of negativity. He probably can hear an echo of Riddle's laugh every time he looks at me. _

She winced as she recalled the horrific year that had been and guiltily looked at her homework. Anything to distract….

'Er, Ginny?' a nervous voice came from behind her.

'Oh! Uh … hi … Neville.'

'Hi,' he said apprehensively. He looked as though he was regretting his decision to come over and talk to her.

Curious, and equally as apprehensive as he was, she said, 'Can I help you with anything?'

'Er, well, I was just wondering … it's nothing really … but would you, I mean if you'd like, of course, come to the Yule ball with me?'

'Oh!' whatever she had been expecting it hadn't been that. 'Well, I …'

She had been about to refuse when she suddenly considered it. She wasn't going to the ball otherwise. If she went with Neville, she could at least keep an eye on the whole "Harry situation". She wasn't sure why she even wanted to watch, if Harry was going to be with some other girl, she couldn't understand whatever perverse desire she had to experience her downfall first hand. _And maybe_, a weak, pathetic little voice sang in her ear, _just maybe, there's another reason I want to go,_ _maybe by some strange occurrence of a mystical nature, I will get to dance with Harry… _

'I meant just as friends of course…' Neville was babbling on, his face an impressively deep shade of red, 'I just… of course… look don't worry about it, I understand, it's fine, forget it…'

'No, Neville, I'd be glad to go with you, thanks.'

'I understand … wait … you would?'

She nodded and gave him a smile.

'As friends, of course.'

'Really?' Neville's eyes were wide and surprised, 'You'll come? I-I mean, great see you there.'

'See you.'

She sighed and reflected on the implications of the rash decision. Her friends would probably tease her non-stop, although Neville was perfectly nice, and she genuinely liked him.

_If nothing else good comes from this_, she thought, _at least I'll be able to go and see what the big fuss is about … I'll be able to say I've gone …_

Her eyes widened suddenly in panic. What was she going to do with her _hair_? Remembering the time she'd spent scoffing at Grace and Evangeline, she felt almost insensitive now.

Of course, she _had _had a point … worrying about her hair _did_ make her very sissy. Growing up with six older brothers had resulted in being 'sissy' the worst offence of all time, since they'd jump at any chance to proclaim her as "such a _girl_".

Her head was feeling slightly sore from all her worrying so she put it down to study once again. She was quite undisturbed until Grace came bouncing over to her.

'Heya, Ginny! How's life?'

'S'ok. What's got you in such a good mood, Grace?' Ginny had her suspicions for the reason regarding the broad grin planted firmly on her friend's face.

'Guess who's been asked to the ball?' Grace sang.

_Me_, she thought grimacing, 'You have? Oh, that's great, Grace! Who are you going with?'

'Terry Boot, but who even cares who I'm going with! I'm actually _going_!'

Ginny rolled her eyes. Grace was incredibly shallow sometimes. She sighed and decided she'd tell Grace her own news, hoping in vain that if it came from Ginny herself and now, it wouldn't be such a big deal.

'Actually, Grace, you and Eva won't be the only third year Gryffindor girls going, as it happens.'

Grace stared at her and shrieked so loudly it caused half the room to stare at her.

'Oh-my-GOD!!! Ginny, you're going? Seriously?'

Ginny nodded and Grace made a very loud, strange sound of glee that went something like_: yeeeeee!_

'Tell me! Who? Who is taking you?'

'Neville Longbottom.'

'_Neville Longbottom_?'

'Yeah,' Ginny muttered defensively.

'_Neville_!' she exclaimed and started laughing.

'Please correct me if I'm wrong but this is coming from the person who stated just about a minute ago that it didn't matter who she's going to the ball with as long as she's going? Besides, Neville's nice.'

'Yeah, you're right, I just wasn't expecting it … Oh my goodness, there's Evangeline!' Grace cried, rushing over to the round-faced girl who had just entered. 'EVA!' she yelled, 'Evangeline!' she sang in a high-pitched voice, dancing her way across the room.

Ginny put away her homework with a sigh. Talking to Grace really took a lot of energy out of a person.

Evangeline took a calmer and more sensitive approach to Ginny's news and the three chatted excitedly about the ball, a lot more happily than they had done previously. When Ginny declared she felt they were being too girly as they were describing their dress robes in-depth, Grace pointed out they _were_ girls and laughed at Ginny as she refused to take a further part in the conversation. They were about to go upstairs to their dormitory when Ginny saw Ron come into the common room, looking completely dejected. She grinned wryly and told her friends she'd see them later as she marched straight towards Ron.

'What's up?'

'Nothing,' he groaned. 'Go away, Ginny.'

Ron sat down; eyes closed and head on the table in front of him.

'Oh, come on, Ron, what happened?' she paused, thoughtfully. 'Did you ask Hermione?'

'Ask Hermione what? Oh, who cares, the point is, Ginny, my life is over. I'm never leaving this room again and I mean it!'

_Oh, Ron_, tell_ me you did not just say, "ask Hermione what", you complete moron. To the damn _ball_, ask her to the ball! _'Why not?' she asked patiently.

'Ginny – I, I just asked Fleur Delacour to go to the ball with me!'

'You WHAT?'

'I'm dead, I can't show my face to her ever again!'

'Ron, you prat! What in the world possessed you?'

'I don't know, I don't know…' Ron moaned into his hands.

'What did she say?' Ginny asked eagerly.

Ron glared at her before he answered.

'Well, nothing really. She just looked at me blankly and coldly and then I suppose I realised what I'd just done and just ran for it…' His face was covered again and he was rocking back and forth. Ginny couldn't help giving a tiny snigger, which she hastily turned into a sympathetic moan. She felt kind of mean, but imaging the encounter _was_ rather funny, she could just imagine Ron's face, too…

Ron eyed her suspiciously and she managed to keep a straight face.

'What am I going to do? I'll never be able to look at any of the people who were there in the face ever again – I asked in front of a whole crowd, just to make things even worse for myself. _And _I still don't have a date for the ball…'

'Y'know, I've heard Eloise Midgen is looking for someone,' Ginny said slyly.

Ron groaned and just buried his head in his arms.

She took some pity on him.

'It's ok, Ron, really. I bet loads of people have asked her… She'll probably have forgotten by now …'

She looked up to see Harry coming towards them, and straightened up.

'What's up, Ron?' he asked, taking a seat.

'Why did I do it?' Ron wailed at Harry. 'I don't know what made me do it!'

'What?' asked Harry curiously, looking bewildered.

'He – er – just asked Fleur Delacour to go to the ball with him,' Ginny said, trying not to laugh again.

'You _what_?' cried Harry.

Ron's eyes were wild and full of terror.

'I don't know what made me do it!' he gasped. 'What was I playing at? There were people – all around – I've gone mad – everyone watching! I was just walking past her in the Entrance Hall – she was standing there talking to Diggory – and it sort of came over me – and I asked her!'

Ron resumed his groaning with his face back in his hands, clawing at his features. 'She looked at me like I was a sea slug or something. Didn't even answer. And then – I dunno – I sort of came to my senses and ran for it.'

'She's part Veela,' said Harry unexpectedly. 'You were right – her grandmother was one. It wasn't your fault, I bet you just walked past while she was turning on the old charm for Diggory and got a blast of it – but she was wasting her time,' he continued and Ginny could hear the bitterness in his voice, see the ever so tiny grimace on his face. Barely discernable, but still there. 'He's going with Cho Chang.'

Ginny counted the four heartbeats she had during the pause that Harry took. She could only focus on him and those heartbeats. The rest didn't matter; it melted away. Only he mattered. And the final four heartbeats of her unbroken heart. One, two, three…

'I asked her to go with me just now,' he said dully, 'and she told me.'

Ginny hadn't realised how her whole world would just stop like that. It was as though some music had been playing softly in the background of her life. Now, though she listened carefully, she could hear nothing. She had fooled herself into thinking once her almost definite suspicions had been confirmed, she would feel better somehow. She had been wrong. This felt so bad she didn't even feel like herself anymore. Although a kind of a conflicting peace had appeared out of nowhere. She no longer felt under pressure to impress Harry so much because he clearly loved someone else. Though she would rather that pressure so much more.

'This is mad,' said Ron, 'We're the only ones left who haven't got anyone' – Ginny sniffed. It was Ron's own fault he hadn't gotten anyone. It was all some kind of competition to him – ' – well, except Neville.' _That's it Ron, add insult to injury, bring Neville up, mock him, go on. _'Hey – guess who he asked? _Hermione!_

'_What_?' exclaimed Harry.

'Yeah, I know! He told me after potions!' Ron looked happier now, Ginny noted. How pathetic. '… Said she'd always been really nice, helping him out with work and stuff – but she told him she was already going with someone. Ha! As if! She just didn't want to go with Neville … I mean, who would?

They were both laughing now. Ron was laughing a lot harder than Harry, but Harry's soft chuckles stung ten times as badly.

'Don't!' she pleaded, 'Don't laugh –'

Hermione chose that moment to walk through the door, causing Ron to laugh twice as hard.

'Why weren't you two at dinner?' she asked, glancing at Ginny.

'Because – oh shut up laughing, you two – because they've both just been turned down by girls they asked to the ball!'

Ginny felt a small piece of satisfaction as both the boys promptly shut up.

'Thanks a bunch, Ginny,' Ron said grumpily.

'Don't mention it,' Ginny muttered under her breath.

'All the good-looking ones taken, Ron?' Hermione smirked. 'Eloise Midgen starting to look quite pretty now, is she? Well I'm sure you'll find someone_ somewhere _who'll have you.'

Ginny coughed uncertainly. Hermione gave her a small mischievous smile.

'Hermione…' Ron said slowly. 'Neville's right – you _are_ a girl…'

Ginny gasped. Her eyebrows raised and mouth slightly agape, she looked at Hermione, who didn't seem amused.

'Oh, well spotted,' she said huffily.

'Well – you can come with one of us!'

'No, I can't.'

'Oh, come on, we need partners, we're going to look really stupid if we haven't got any, everyone else has…'

_Way to charm a girl, Ron_, thought Ginny.

'I can't come with you,' Hermione said, blushing, 'because I'm already going with someone.'

'No, you're not! You just said that to get rid of Neville!'

'Oh _did_ I?' Hermione's eyes glinted dangerously, 'Just because it's taken y_ou_ three years to notice, doesn't mean no one _else_ has spotted I'm a girl!'

_Take that!_ thought Ginny smugly. If it had been her, she would have just punched him. This was why she loved Hermione so much.

'Ok, ok, we know you're a girl. That do? Will you come now?'

'I've already told you! I'm going with someone else!'

And with that Hermione marched upstairs without a backward glance at Ron.

'She's lying.'

_You wish. Oh, do you wish._

'She's not.'

'Who is it, then?'

'I'm not telling you, it's her business.'

'Right,' said Ron, in a defeatist tone. 'This is getting stupid. Ginny, you can go with Harry and I'll just –'

'I can't,' she said, the hardest thing she ever had to say. _Why _were the fates doing this to her now? They enjoyed torturing her. They certainly had a very black sense of humour. And she was not amused.

'I'm going with Neville. He asked me when Hermione said no and I thought … well … I'm not going to be able to go otherwise, I'm not in fourth year.'

Ginny felt it all come crashing down on her. She knew she had to get away from Harry, the boy who had destroyed her life. The boy who lived, in ignorance of her. 'I think I'll go and have dinner,' she murmured vaguely.

She wandered aimlessly through the castle, turning every so often and eventually just returning to the common room, with the idea of creeping up into the dormitories. That was the plan, anyway. Hermione met her on the stairs.

'Ginny…'

'Oh, hi, Hermione … I was just going upstairs …' Ginny half-heartedly attempted a falsely cheery smile and tried to pass her, but Hermione stopped her.

'Ginny, I want to talk to you.'

'What about?' She replied sullenly. She just wanted to go to bed.

'Harry,' Hermione said simply.

'Look, Hermione, that's the person I least want to talk about right now, so if you don't mind …'

'I know, Ginny, but – '

'I'm really tired, Hermione.'

'This will only take a minute. Come on, let's go into my room.'

Reluctantly, Ginny followed, slamming the door harder than she'd intended. Hermione raised her eyebrows, but Ginny sat defiantly and unapologetic.

'Look, Ginny … boys are idiots, we both know that. I know how much you want Harry to notice you, but you're always so nervous around him. Maybe if you were just yourself, maybe if you saw other people in the meantime; … I'm not saying he'd fall in love with you, but you could become really good friends. You're just as pretty, nice and funny as Cho, by the way. It's just Harry doesn't know this, because you hide yourself from him,' Hermione finished kindly.

Ginny looked at the floor, slowly shaking her head from side to side. She was incapable of relaxing around Harry. And she wasn't as nice as Cho. Cho didn't fantasize about keeping Harry from the one he loved for her own selfish desires. Though perhaps she would if their positions were reversed. Ginny definitely knew she wasn't as pretty as Cho, anyway. Cho was absolutely stunning by anyone's account.

She looked at Hermione, knowing it had probably taken a lot to say that, and it was for her own good, so Ginny wanted to acknowledge her gratitude somehow. However, the only thing she managed to say was a gruff 'Goodnight,' before she left for her own dormitory.

Wearily, she climbed into bed, fully clothed as she curled up in a ball. She had spent way too much time thinking about Harry today, she scolded herself. _Just get over him. _And the worst thing was; she knew she was going to spend the night meditating on him also. She hid her face under her thick, warm blanket, so no one would be able to see her if they came in.

Only then did the tears fall freely.


End file.
